Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
