there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
