Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
