Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
