When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
