the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
