rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
