worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
