new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Randomize
