I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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