Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
