I can feel you judging me through the phone.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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