I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
