this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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