rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
