I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
i drank out of a bidet.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
