fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
