I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
