Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
