Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize