Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
