How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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