I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
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