he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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