I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Randomize
