I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
