my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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