Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
