yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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