I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
