I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize