i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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