oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
