Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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