You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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