peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
