My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
