I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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