He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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