i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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