I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
