I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
