when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Don't make out with my wife yet
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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