tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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