I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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