Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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