If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
