I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
