Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I'm eating all of the evidence.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize