Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
