Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
