what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
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