Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize
