Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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