i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
