her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Randomize
