Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
