i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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