I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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